This past week has been a rollercoaster, an interesting change from the entirety of my summer. I try to make this blog inspirational and positive, but this post is neither. I’m choosing to include the honest parts of my life as well because I want everyone to know what my real life looks like- not just the idealized version. For those reasons, I will be putting it under a cut.

The beginning of school hit me hard, like a bag of bricks. And I’m not sure I was ready for it. I’m not sure I mentally prepared myself for what I was beginning, and because of that, I am where I am right now.

Luckily my lung function has not declined too much, but I was not doing my treatments, I was drinking heavily, and did a few other things I can’t really bring myself to admit on here. In short, I had something like a relapse. I reverted back to the ways that made me feel sick every day, that made me cough up blood, and made me exhausted.

I will not fall into a pit of complacency or a downward spiral of abuse. That is what I would’ve done if I hadn’t worked so hard this summer. But when you work so hard for something, you generally don’t let it slip away that easily. I took advantage of the fact that I didn’t have school today to try and get back on track. I worked out, I did my treatments, I took my enzymes. To be quite honest, it made me feel so much better and I am so glad that I managed to catch myself.

It’s really easy to get caught up in the fast paced life of going out. Dark, smoky bars, shot after shot after shot, laughing, sleeping about 3 hours each night on average. In fact, I had slept so little that when trying to go to bed at a normal hour last night I woke up every 2 hours thinking I had slept forever. It was a peculiar feeling.

It was a rough weekend personally as well- the one person that I could really rely on to support me to be healthy is no longer a part of my life. My boyfriend and I broke up. And it sucks, just like any end to a relationship does. But I will be able to motivate myself enough to continue to be healthy, it’s just a lot more fun when you’ve got someone cheering you on.

This past week has had unparalleled highs and lows, and I’ve only had 3 days of classes so far. This year will be an interesting one. I’m sorry if I’ve let any of you down, I’m still learning, too. Here’s to keeping my eye on the prize and never settling for anything less.